#DearDiary: FRIENDSHIP FAILS

LONG POST ALERT

I have had my share of failed friendships. I always say that so you've probably heard it from me before.
But I'm saying it again now because I have a different feeling about it. That statement used to come from a place of bitterness and a lot of hurt but not this time.
This time, it is coming from a place of gratitude.


I have a lot, a whole lot, like a whole lot of trauma to heal from. Over time, I've been trying to heal from all of it small small. And one of those traumas is from all the failed friendships I've had. Last night after watching a movie, coming to Facebook to unfollow someone who's attitude keeps me wondering if I did something wrong or if he heard something bad about me, it dawned on me.

See, we used to chat. He would check up on me and I'd do same until it just stopped. He would leave comments a lot and always wanted my opinion on stuff, especially Facebook fights.
But all of a sudden it all just stopped and fearing rejection and the possibility of being ignored, I have also kept to myself.

The story is probably not necessary to this post but it just came along with the flow of this writing so please, spare me.
So after I unfollowed him I realized I always unfollowed people at the slightest thing. Or so it seems. I was thinking about failed friendships prior to this realization so I thought it related. Well it does.

When I look way back to when I was a little girl roaming the GNTC flats opposite the Arab Apex bank and adjacent to the Accra Regional Minister's Residence, I see the mother of my best friend pull her away into their apartment.
The next day, she wouldn't talk or play with me. Her name is Getrude. Getrude stopped playing with me and my twin sister because her mom told her not to. That we weren't good for her.
My mom is a calm woman, she never likes trouble, if she has to apologize for something she didn't do to stop trouble from brewing, she will. So ain't no way my mom had a fight with her mom. But this was the flats, people usually spoke in whispers and low tones. So someone must have whispered something about us we didn't know about.

At about 6 years, I lost my first best friend. I had my first failed relationship and guess what? That picture of our last play together is etched on the walls of my memory house. The dance she danced alone, few meters away from us, so her mom wouldn't think she was playing with us still hangs. How she swayed and how my sister and I sang 'dance tsoobi dance' to give her rhythm hangs too. Yes, we called her tsoobi

I'll tell you what? I have searched for her on Facebook countless times but of what use is a first name without a last? Obviously, I haven't healed from that after all these years. But I have pride in the fact that I try, every single day.

The next failed one was when we changed schools from Adabraka Presby to ICODEHS. Mary Bright. I tried to keep in touch. Sent letters till I gave up hope of ever getting a reply and we moved to a new neighborhood. I guess she didn't want us to be friends anymore. This was a friend we shared our food with, played with, walked around in school with. We were like a clique, you know?

My last memory of her is she dressed up in a traditional attire during a school event. Voici Ma Mais, that was the French poem I think she recited.
For years, I always tried to reconnect every time I got the chance. I will go to her neighborhood, find her and take her contact but it was always one sided. After a long time, your girl gave up, unfollowed. I was only 10 and held on till I was 22. I chased a friendship for 12 years because I thought there was a possibility of it working out.

After her, was Vincent. Oh boy! I was accused of snatching him from his girlfriend. I liked her, she was a nice girl so I broke off the friendship and only took him back as a best friend when he told me they were no more together. We had fun. Great fun. We traveled together, took very long walks, we kept no secrets, he was my best buddy till jealousy set in.

Someone very close to me (don't even think it coz I never dated till I finished shs) got very jealous so I had to like keep a distance. Vincent never gave up. We wrote letters to each other while I was in school and exchanged school souvenirs. Friendship was shaky until one party fell in love with the other and it crumbled... 2 people of the opposite sex cannot remain best friends without anyone catching feelings right?

Now let's talk about Senior high school... Ooohh I almost forgot Annetu, who by the way is married now. When we changed schools to ICODEHS she was our best friend. The most daring girl I ever met for our age.
See, ICODEHS is an Islamic school and Fridays were half days because they had to go to the mosque at 12. Annetu will take us to the mosque, home later to eat and then try to teach us to ride a bike. When my mom found out, we got moved and that ended the friendship. She was afraid we will convert to IslamπŸ˜‚

So back to senior high school, which was the most craziest stage of my schooling...
Wait I didn't talk about Bright and the Biggies from Independence Avenue and Jenifer from Marymount who... But never mind, that will make this longer than it already is. Point is, none of that survived. All failed friendships.

I had very high hopes for each one of those. Wanted them to last a life time so bad. I've talked about sleepovers, pillow fights, our future kids mingling together and other lifetime experiences I wanted to have with each of them but I always got disappointed. Bubbles always got burst for one reason or the other. Unfortunately, I've always held on to the pain of losing each one of those friendships. I remember everyone of them and it hurts real bad. Over time, I have built defenses against getting hurt. And that includes walking away or keeping my distance at the least thing... More like clicking the unfollow button on Facebook.

Until last night I realized I'm not healing because I've been holding on to the wrong things that each one of those friendships came with.
I'll be a white faced broad day light liar if I told you there were no joys, no laugher and no haaa (those deep breaths of satisfaction) moments in each friendship. There were so many of them.

I've been so used to pain and holding on to it that I don't know quite well how to hold on to joy, laughter and good times. But last night, I learned that.
And so although I've had my fair share of failed friendships, I'm grateful that at least I had friends. I had friends at every point of my life. I may not have been able to share with them the deepest scars and nursing wounds of my heart but they made me laugh. They made me dream and gave me the chance to wish for things.

They gave me hope, gave me a future to look forward to. Some people have never had that but I did and I should be grateful, no matter how long or short they lasted. Also it is okay to unfollow. If it bothers me too much and I can do nothing about it, it is okay to leave. But I'll leave with gratitude for all the times it was good not pain or hurt for the fact that it didn't last as long as I hoped or wanted. Because there's always going to be another friend for the one who left. Either for me or for them. So here, I'm grateful for the friends I have now and the moments we share (the coven❤).
You guys give me hope and a future to look forward to, even if that future is the next minute, hour or day.


Thank you for coming to Ted talk. I love you.
And don't forget to always look on the bright sideπŸ˜‰

2 comments

  1. πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘ŒπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was helpful to me, thanks. It's a good piece of writing, inspirational... a positive way to look at thingsπŸ˜ŠπŸ‘πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    ReplyDelete